I’M NOT DEAD, I’M JUST A DAD: Where The Dad Bloggers At?

In the vicious wild of the blogosphere in a creature mighty impressive, but rarely seen. He’s ferociously protective of his young, carving out territory to tell their tales without overexposing them to the dangers of the world. He creates for his peers that may never see his craft, more likely to follow sports teams and tech trends than they are tales of families and minivans. The Dad Blogger is very real, very vocal, and though small in number, are a group of bloggers you’d better keep eyes on for the future!

The Rare Beast of the Blogosphere: The Daddy Blogger

The Mom Bloggers are a reckoning force, hundred if not thousands in number here in Canada alone, having built solid distribution channels through sites like Parent Tested Parent Approved, Mom Central Canada and the Yummy Mummy Club. Many other breeds of blogger love to hate on them, seeing their success with Brand Ambassadorships, Twitter parties and vast social media metrics, wondering why they can’t have a piece of what the Mom Bloggers have cultivated for themselves. And not only have Moms gotten together to form a blogging ecosystem unto their own, the mother as the classic parental figure lends itself well to the medium, providing plenty of opportunity for sharing on similar experiences, whether they’re birth stories, breastfeeding or the barrage of emotions included with a child’s milestones like their first steps or that fateful morning you drop them off at daycare.

But Moms aren’t the only parents — Dad Bloggers do exist, even if there’re only a handful of them.

Daddy and Son at Play

Most male bloggers I’ve come across aren’t fathers, and of the ones who are, they often don’t blog on their fatherhood experience. The guys I know blog food, they blog tech, they blog on all these things that society deems “masculine”, but the joys, trials and lessons that come from fatherhood aren’t a topic often discussed around the digital water cooler.

So far, I’ve tracked down just over 30 Canadian Dad Bloggers (aka “Daddy Bloggers”, or my personal favourite, “Father Bloggers”). 30. 30’s a mid-scale blogger event in Toronto. 30’s an average attendee number at a popular Twitter chat. 30’s a group, but it’s shockingly small for the size of a niche that spans a nation!

A quick look at the 2011 Canadian census would have us expect 2,054,645 fathers across Canada, yet 99.99853989% of them are oddly silent with their stories.

Where are the fathers? If they’re not sharing their stories online, where are they sharing them?

I’M NOT DEAD, I’M JUST A DAD: Happy Father’s Day — What IS a Dad???

The Monthly Wrap-Up — May — Father and Son
This is my life now. And I’m lovin’ it!

I didn’t know what to expect when I became a Dad. It’s not like I lacked good fatherly figures — my father made sure I could handle whatever the world threw at me, and my grandfather made sure to show me what it meant to stay devoted to relationships for decades — it was more because I had no clue of what the world expected of me.

The 2014 Father is puzzling. We hear plenty of stories about what can happen to children when they lack a father figure — they might join a gang; they’re reportedly less likely to go to church if their mother goes but their father doesn’t — the father in absentia is oft-blamed for children’s bad behaviour, society diagnosing a lack of the firm disciplinarian they so sorely needed to keep them in line.

But people rarely talk about what the value of a  good father is.

What Makes A Good Dad?

Mothers are important — they carry babies in their wombs until they’re full-term and ready for birth; they wean the children if they choose to breastfeed; we revere single mothers for “beating the odds” and raising children who turn out as amazing adults. There’s no doubt in anyone’s minds that children cannot exist without mothers, but fathers are too often treated as little more than sperm donors.

Casey Palmer and Son — Daddy's Not Awake Yet
I wish this were staged, but no — I was utterly zonked when this was taken, and he was raring to go for the day!

There are Dads who do it right — the ones who stick around, nurture their children and raise them to positively influence the world around them. The ones at the park playing with their kids because there’s a parent at home dying for some extra sleep. The ones attending ballet recitals and sewing Halloween costumes to support their children’s dreams. Gender norms are slowly dying, lines are slowly blurring, and the good fathers are unafraid to do whatever it takes to be the Dad their children need, because screw how society thinks a father’s supposed to act — a real father provides for his family, and not just with a bi-weekly paycheque.

These fathers may very well be the unsung heroes of parenthood, cast to a background role by society due to their physiology. Dads might not physically carry their children to term, it’s true, but does it mean they love their children any less than their mothers do? Does it mean fathers feel less responsible for making a difference in their children’s lives and giving their all to raising them right? Or are they just on the bum end of a bad rap, stuck in a world that needs to change the conversation on what being a father’s really about?

Fatherhood: It Only LOOKS Scary.

Your views on fatherhood all depend on who you surround yourself with. My life is a by-product of rolling with the yuppie crowd, the kids who were always career-first, measuring their worth through promotions, quotas and end-of-quarter bonuses. For a long time, the goal was playing as hard as you worked, ’cause that was all we knew.

Though I took the fast track to growing up by joining the bureaucracy (different things seem “normal” when the average age of your colleagues is 45…), I still understand that world. A world where it’s all about what you can do right now, not what might happen in a decade. One where everything can change at a moment’s notice, and you can’t have anything slowing you down. A world in my early 20s where “settling down” was akin to a death sentence, limiting your options for what life you had left.

I see the Toronto I’ve come from, and I get why many men my age aren’t keen to become fathers. To them, fatherhood isn’t “cool” — it isn’t “sexy” — for many of my peers, it’s not even on the horizon. Once upon a time, it was expected that you’d go to school, get a job and have a family, carrying on your family name to glorify your lineage, etc. etc. etc. In a few short decades, the world’s grown infinitely more complicated, though — society presents us with so few shining examples of hope for the modern father. You have oafish nuclear power plant workers, chemistry teachers turned meth kingpins, men who train assassins while posing as museum staff — really, anything but the hardworking everyman fathers who strive to keep the family together — the Cliff Huxtables, Danny Tanners and Philip Bankses of the world.

Don’t believe me? Do the math….

Toronto’s Dads By The Numbers

As of the 2011 census, Toronto has 2,615,060 people.

Of these, 1,255,585 are male. If we assume that any male above the age of 20 can potentially become a father, it leaves us with 973,490 potential fathers in Toronto.

Toronto has 690,340 families. Of these there are:

  • 311,760 couples with children;
  • 146,990 single parent families; and
  • 231,595 couples without children

About 80%  of single parents are single mothers, so of the 146,990 single-parent families, 29,398 (or 20%) are single fathers.

The 2011 Canadian census shows that 64,575 of the country’s 7,861,855 couples (or 0.821%) are same-sex couples:

  • 54.5% of these couples are male, with 3.4% of these couples raising children. Thus, 1.853% of Canadian couples are same-sex male couples raising children.
  • The remaining 45.5% of these couples are female, with 16.5% of these couples raising children. Thus, 7.5075% of Canadian couples are same-sex female couples raising children.

Applying these ratios to Toronto’s 690,340 couples, you get 426 same-sex female couples raising children, and 106 same-sex male couples doing the same. Subtracting these from the 311,760 couples noted above gives a total 311,228 opposite-sex couples raising children in Toronto or another 155,614 fathers.

In total, that’s:

  • 155,614 fathers in opposite-sex couples;
  • 212 fathers from the 106 same-sex couples; and
  • 29,398 single fathers; or

185,224 fathers — a total of 19% of the potential Toronto population for fatherhood.

[DISCLAIMER: Stats are a good measuring stick, but they’re not perfect — relevant groups these stats don’t capture are the “empty nesters”, parents with grown children who’ve already moved out; and fathers separated from their children, who might not live with them but still play active roles in their lives. Both very important, but horribly underdocumented in the source studies used for this post. Also, Toronto isn’t representative of the world, I know — this is just the reality I’m living in right now as a new father.]

We Are The 19%.

185,224 fathers. That’s 185,224 men who chose to stay involved, trying to raise kids in the big, bad city and help give them a decent shot at their future. It’s not the popular choice among Torontonian men — at 19%, it’s a figure far lower than it is in the neighbouring GTA suburbs — but these 185,224 men do it anyway, taking the good with the bad, trying to fill a role with whatever tricks they have up their sleeves.

Palmer Family Pics — Casey Gets a HUGE Smile From His Son

However, despite already being part of a shrinking minority, the cards are stacked against us — we’re expected to fail. Not long after my son’s birth, I was hit with advice from people both Sarah and I knew — many without kids of their own — on how I should conduct myself with my first steps in fatherhood:

[M]ake sure you give Sarah a break….she did her part, carried him for 9 months, now she needs you to step in and take over (at least do the night shifts)

[Sarah] is the hero in this scenario!!!

I said it before — mothers are hugely important to the picture, but Dads are there, too. Though society deems it uncool for men to show emotion and largely finds us working while the Moms hustle at home on maternity leave, we want to see our children’s smiling faces. We too bear the stress of an unbalanced home, suffering its way through the struggled of sleepless nights and post-partum depression. Just because things don’t happen to us, it still affects us.

All too rare of the stories of fathers doing it right. The single fathers who raise outstanding children. The fathers who go out of their ways every day to make sure their children are happy. These stories happen all the time, yet they’re seen as exceptional because we’re so used to tales of caution of the men who are absentee, ill-prepared or worse.

It’s time for us to change the conversation.

The Third Sunday of June. All Day. Every Year. Let’s Celebrate!

I don’t think I’ve ever written a Father’s Day piece before.

Monthly WrapUp — May — The 90s Palmer Fam

For years, my father and I didn’t get along. Through no fault of his own, I was angry with him. Despite being a great father, he had to sacrifice to provide for his family, working up to 16-hour days 6 days a week running a restaurant so his children could have all the opportunities he couldn’t have. I benefitted from excellent schooling, job opportunities that developed my independence, and the time and money to explore the world.

My Dad did exactly what he was supposed to as a father, giving his children the foundation to make the most from their lives, and I was too stubborn and bull-headed to see it.

Sorry, Dad — I get it now.

Viva La Daddy.

Palmer Family Pics — Granddad and Grandson

The Dad isn’t dead — my past decade on Facebook’s seen a transition in my Timeline photos from nights out at the club, to beach shots on vacation, to beautiful wedding day portraits, and now to proud parents with their newborn kids. Family’s still important, and there’re still fathers around interested in seeing their kids grow.

But it’s time to stop treating them like secondary figures in their kids’ lives and show them they too have a place in the world of parenting. That means down with the memes of “daddies doing it wrong”, with moms commiserating over peals of “What did he do this time” and “Why doesn’t he get it?!” It’s time to stop acting like fathers are parenting invalids, applauding when they’re doing what they should be doing, whether it’s learning how to knot a French braid or rocking a frightened baby to sleep. It’s time to stop putting the spotlight on the fathers choosing not to stay in their children’s lives. Whether they make up 1% or 20% of the total father population, shirking parental responsibility isn’t the norm, and we need to stop giving power to the idea.

We need to stop acting like all fathers are destined to fail. Parenthood is hard for mothers and fathers; once we recognize that we’re in it together, only then can we start building a parenting model that truly captures all the challenges parents face, instead of trying to choose sides in an unnecessary battle.

Happy Father’s Day to my fellow Dads, and keep up the excellent work. The world may not understand what you bring to the table, but continue to love your children and forget the world’s expectations. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but one day there’ll be a look, a word or a simple a smile, and you’ll know everything you did was worth it.

Until the next,

cep wrap-up logo

I’M NOT DEAD, I’M JUST A DAD: #BubblesMyWay — Keeping It Mum

For this month’s post, SodaStream asked: “What empowers you?”

What keeps me going more than anything else is knowing I’m making a positive difference in the world. Whether through covering  things people wouldn’t consider otherwise; raising a son that’ll know the key to a successful life is the balance between being respected, respecting others and respecting oneself; or even little things like holding doors, giving up seats, or donating my loose change to someone needing it more than me… I long for a world better than the one we have today.

But much of that positive change has to start from within, and that’s what I hope to show my family this May.

Mother’s Day the Palmer Way

Sarah and the Palmer Kid — In the Nursery

You see it around Christmastime: when people look at the lengthy lists of gifts to buy, wondering how they’ll afford it all. Dinners to plan and parties to attend — you have countless competing priorities crashing together, and only one you to pull it all together!

In some ways, that’s how I feel about May.

For 30 years, I’ve spent Mother’s Day in Mississauga celebrating my mother and everything she’s done for me. But now, with a family of my own it feels… different. I still got my Mom a card (and my grandmother too, as she was up visiting from Jamaica) and braved our rotten Toronto traffic to stop by and say “Hi”, but after years trying to top the gifts from those before, I don’t think anyone can beat what we gave her last year….


Sarah and the Palmer Kid, circa December 2013
This May, we’re celebrating Sarah’s 1st Mother’s Day, our 3rd wedding anniversary, and her birthday (I’d tell you the number, but sometimes you need to value your life more than you do accuracy!) With so many milestones afoot in the span of mere weeks, I want to give her the world without the disposable income or time that we used to have. Parenthood is by no means a light undertaking, and I want to use this month to remind Sarah that not only is she a great Mom, but also a great wife and great woman as well. We’re both trying to figure parenting out daily, but she bears the brunt of both great experiences and bad as she spends her days with the little guy, so I wanted to do something to really show how much I appreciate it. With cards from myself and the little guy, a few little gifts and some time to relax on our patio while I kept him entertained, I think we were off to a good start.

The Palmer Family

So with a foot in your old life and another in the new, what do you do? Celebrate the woman who gifted you with life or the one who blessed you with a child of your own? Obviously, the answer is both, but it’s not an easy balance to keep. Though you’ve got a kid, you’ll never stop being someone else’s — a reality you’ll need to constantly revisit through your entire parental journey. Though reconciling this is my battle to face, Sarah has a journey as well — and not only her own, but that with all the other mothers she’s befriended in such a short time!

What REALLY Empowers Me?

This past weekend marked six months since we became parents. Over that time, Sarah’s not only excelled as a mother, she’s also been honing her innate community manager skills as the admin of a self-created Facebook group 150+ members strong for Moms with kids born in November 2013! Those bonds have translated over to our lives as well in our East York baby boomtown, with plenty of new Mom friends in our neighbourhood to share walks, parenting programs, coffee visits and dinners.

SodaStream Classic — Side of Box

Through this group, we discovered that some of the other Moms use SodaStreams, too, using their machines to customize the drinks they have daily, which is important, because as new parents, we need to model better choices for our children, whether it’s what we put in our bodies, how we treat the environment or how we spend our money. I’ve gotten many questions about the SodaStream since the first blog post came out, so it’s good to know that I’ve got some real-life examples to point out if anyone ever needs to discuss how it can affect their life.

So thank you, Sarah — my other half, my BFF and mother of my child. I’ll try to make this month — and this life — as special as I can for you. It’s a long road ahead, but I think we’ve got what it takes to make it work. You and our son are what empower me, and I hope I never forget that.

–case p.

Disclosure: I am part of the PTPA Brand Ambassador Program with SodaStream Canada and I received compensation as part of my affiliation with this group. The opinions on this blog are my own. You can connect with SodaStream Canada on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and their website!

I’M NOT DEAD, I’M JUST A DAD: Having Some #BubblesMyWay at My Son’s Baby Dedication!

What’s up, world?!

I know, I know it’s been a bit, but when you’re balancing three competing yet utterly important parts of your life, they don’t always play well together!

But while I’m weeks behind for my monthly wrap-up, there’re tales to be told before I get there, starting with a celebration for my (not-so-) little guy and how we quenches the thirst of dozens with as little fuss and muss as possible!

Baby Dedications: Because Little Guys Don’t Stay Little FOREVER

You know who had his baby dedication this past weekend?

This guy.

The Little One's Dedication — A Happy Little Guy

It’s kind of ironic that Baptist Christians do baby dedications instead of child baptisms, but with a Dad who slipped and splashed into the baptismal tank back when he did his in ’09, I’ll take what I can get.

I’M NOT DEAD, I’M JUST A DAD: Brave New World

“Men are just little boys who got big.

Women are just little girls who got big.”

— Jack Winter

DoomzToo — Good Luck, Daddy!

I’ve sat on this post for a bit, trying to figure out what I could tell the world about fatherhood. Other than doubling in size while I was looking, in ways it feels like much hasn’t changed — he feeds every few hours; he has plenty of outfits to model; I don’t see my family as much as I’d want to with their bedtimes only an hour or two after I get home from work… these are the early years where you’re adopting a routine, simply awaiting the next cue to take action. Where you sneak into the nursery 3 times overnight to make sure they’re still breathing. These are the years where you have to get used to a holding pattern in your days, life stubbornly reminding you that things aren’t like they were before.

What’s there to tell about that?

I’M NOT DEAD, I’M JUST A DAD: Fatherhood 101 — Learning Curves

One month down, 939 or so to go (well, a little less for me, of course).

Fatherhood isn’t for every man, but it’s not as frightening as we think it is.

I'm Not Dead, I'm Just a Dad — Learning Curves —
DoomzToo a week in. I can confirm that he does not yet play football — though he definitely has the arm for it!

I wish I spoke newborn.

With Week Five of the Life and Times of DoomzToo wrapped up, I’m happy to say that fatherhood’s nothing to fear. Sure, there’ll be moments that make you want to pull your hair out (but balding is a very serious problem and this action is not recommended),and sure, your life changes — a lot — but soon enough, you find your groove and things starting falling into place. You learn how to change diapers. You figure out what you need to do to put your kid to sleep. Feeding them from a bottle gets less awkward — nothing in parenting is insurmountable.

I’M NOT DEAD, I’M JUST A DAD — And Baby Makes Three

The DoomzToo Story (2 of 4)If you’d asked me a decade ago whether getting married and having a kid were anywhere on my life’s horizon, I’d have laughed in your face and called you crazy. Even over the 10 years that followed, parenthood was a topic that barely registered in my mind — I was too busy wining, dining and having a good time to even consider settling down, fully responsible for someone else’s well-being. There were blogs to write, people to see and things to do.

This was future Casey’s problem!

But the future never stays that way forever. For expecting fathers, until they hold their baby for the first time, a child is little more than a concept. Logically they know that the mother’s carrying a child for the better part of a year, but logic has nothing to do with this. All you know is that the clock’s ticking, and your freedom’s melting away with every passing day, inching closer to this vague territory called “the rest of your life”. You live each day as if it were your last, because you might never get another chance.

I’M NOT DEAD, I’M JUST A DAD: Stankin’ Tuesday

What up, what up, y’all? It’s your boy Case P. here on a Stankin’ Tuesday, where I was so distracted this morning that I forgot to put deodorant on, but them’s the breaks.

Today I started a new job — in fact, the 9th job in the last 6 years. Now anywhere outside of government, this would show I sucked at holding a job down, always getting into trouble — or maybe I want very loyal, jumping ship at the first sign of trouble. But in the public sector, it’s all about growing through your opportunities. I was approached for this job due to the work and long hours I’d put in on some multi-million IT projects I’d done in the past, and when you can turn something that everyone had all but given up on into a success, it’s not soon forgotten. So I’ve been asked to come in to another situation, bat swinging as I try to make sense of a bunch of data and turn it into something we can actually use. Good thing I’m trying to get this out of the way before DoomzToo makes his grand début, yeah?

I’M NOT DEAD, I’M JUST A DAD: The Road to Fatherhood — First Steps

The sonogram of Casey and Sarah's unborn child, turned into a meme by Justin Baisden.
Our sonogram meme’d by Justin Baisden.

The Dad is the unsung hero of parenting, and it’s easy to see why. They don’t grow babies inside of them for 40 weeks. They don’t breastfeed or have the same degree of parental instinct as mothers do. In many parenting situations I’ve seen, the role of the Dad is ambiguous. Secondary to the mother. Perhaps a pale shadow of motherhood, expected to do her same function, but perhaps with a slightly masculine twist to it.

Our memories are shorter now than they’ve ever been (thanks, technology!) — there’s a lot about my Dad I remember from my later years, but much of my childhood is a blur. And in a family with both parents working to make ends meet, what I do remember is lots of time in my Grandma’s basement, watching TV or horsing around with my brother until my parents come home to resume the parental segment of their lives, tired or not.

I have a wealth of social cues on what it means to be a Dad — so then, why do I feel woefully unqualified to carry it out?