Last updated on April 29th, 2021 at 11:05 pm
For the past 6 years, I’ve had a unique job that sees a site change every 6 months or so. Most recently, I was
banished exiled transferred to Yonge & Finch, where I quickly found the lunch options rather… limited*.
So to save money and keep me healthy, Sarah helped me fall in love with the sandwich all over again.
*From 2009 through 2011, with a work team that was 2/3 Asian, lunches mostly consisted of dim sum, sushi or Korean BBQ. Let’s just say we overdid it and I’ve yet to recover.
The Poor, Poor Tale of the Sandwich
The sandwich gets a poor rep among the foodies of the world, preferring to nosh on more delicate fare, like foie gras, canapés and salads with balsamic reductions.
But I’m a meat and potatoes kind of guy, returning to the same comfort food time and again, when I want something to eat.
More than once, Sarah’s worried that I’d get tired of spicy Italian sausage, old cheddar cheese, Miracle Whip and mustard on an Italian bun, but two months in and I still gnaw away on them merrily while working on spreadsheets!
As tasty as that is, though, it’s not nearly enough to make it Canada’s Most Epic Sandwich.
To give you an example of what an epic sandwich looks like, I put together one of my own!
Epic Sandwich is Epic
Unlike Zach, I don’t have a seemingly unlimited wellspring of time to work with—making things by hand? Ain’t nobody got time for that! This here’s the 9-to-5er’s Most Epic Sandwich, y’all—don’t get it twisted**!
The first order of business was getting solid ingredients. People often gripe when faced with prices at fancy restaurants, but it’s not only the labour and ambience you’re paying for—good ingredients cost money!
Hitting a few grocery stores, I put the following together:
- Dempster’s Bakery Whole Grains: Ancient Grains-style (with Kamut, Spelt, Quinoa and Amaranth) for the foundation, making sure to toast it for maximum enjoyment!
- Plain ol’ lettuce adds the crunch to a sandwich, but I’m bored with the taste. So I replaced it with green onion, chopped up to give texture, flavour, and a lot more nutrition than Iceberg Slim-on-nutrients would
- while you won’t see me shell out guap for guac, a good slice of avocado adds a lot of antioxidants (I think? Can’t say I know a whole lot about this…), a creamy texture and smooth flavour to everything else in your sandwich
- Maple Leaf Farms bacon: I’m no vegetarian. If you put bacon on just about anything, it makes it more delicious. Fact. So this was a definite buy (you know—as soon as I could find it. Hate grocery store layouts, sometimes!)
- Tomato: Better than ketchup, still tasty.
- Cracker Barrel Extra-Old Cheddar: When I got to the cashier, she was kind enough to let me know that the larger (400 g) bars of cheese were on sale for $4.99, but I was all like, “Heck naw! There’s no extra-old cheddar in that size!” That sharp cheddar taste is essential for taking your sandwich to a boss level, offsetting the subtler tones from those accursed veggies that keep this sandwich from clogging your arteries
- BBQ Rotisserie Chicken: I had to hit 3 different grocery stories dangerously close to closing time before finding this crucial ingredient! When you don’t have time to cook your meat, it’s worth the cost to have someone else do it for you. Rotisserie chicken always reminds me of my youth, and is welcome in any meal I’m putting together!
What I already had at home:
- Kraft Miracle Whip: I do not get what people like about mayonnaise. Miracle Whip is not only better for you, it’s way tastier. The zing of flavour it adds is muy excellente!
- Kraft Barbecue Sauce—Chicken ‘n’ Rib: I could’ve gone with mustard, but why? Barbecue sauce paired with chicken in, as my friend Justin would say — GAWDLIKE. Welcome to Flavour Country, my friends. I promise you won’t be disappointed!
And thus, lay your eyes upon my majestic creation—the Casey Palmer Chicken BOAT (Bacon + Onion + Avocado + Tomato) Special! It’s just as delicious as it sounds, combining a ridiculous amount of flavour from all the ingredients noted above 😊 Feeds 2, but I’m greedy.
**Unless we’re talking twisty bread—then it’s totally acceptable.
Get Your DIY Nom On!
So what’re you waiting for? The digital world is simply teeming with contests to enter, and this is one of ’em!
And all you need to do is make the greatest sandwich this nation has ever seen!
Never before has lunch meat seemed so lucrative! Never has the phrase “Go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich” been so rife with potential payoff!
Go forth! Show us what culinary concoctions you have tucked behind that apron! What doughy delights will make us disgustingly drool all over our smartphone screens! Because you never know—do it right, and the greens in your epic sandwich could be a stack of cold, hard cash!!!
But if it is, please don’t eat it! Your stomach ain’t no shopping mall! Good luck!
[Disclaimer: In addition to a delicious sandwich, Maple Leaf Foods—who owns the Dempster’s brand—paid for this experiment with my palate. Enjoy!]