I mean REALLY looked? Looked in the mirror and saw what was there?
Not saying that I have, although, when I have my narcissistic bouts, I can be in front of that damn thing several times in a day—no, I’m talking more about what lies within us. What’s sitting there and isn’t being used.
Recently I’ve been having issues caring about things more than I ever have in the past. I’ve been skipping classes and showing up late, simply because I didn’t want to go or just work on my own schedule. I even slept in last Friday and went to work four hours late, because I knew that I had to hand my assignment in, and with the fact that I’ll be moving branches, and that I’m as good at my job as I am, there’s no way they’d fire me. In some ways, it’s working smarter instead of harder, but at the same time, it’s this huge form of apathetic laziness that has seemed to wash over me.
Why, though? Why has it taken a hold of me the way it has?
I’ve been speculating upon the answer for a while now, and I think that I’m not supposed to be doing what I’m doing right now. Not that what I’m doing is bad or immoral or anything like that, but I feel as if I’m supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else, living some other life.
But here’s the kicker—I have no idea where or what.
It’s a feeling that gnaws away at me from day to day, as I continue to wonder what else might be out there in the world for me to do. I get bored easily, so what could be out there that might capture my interest? Question after question race through my head as I continue an existence that fails to satisfy me.
That’s another thing—I’m not sad. I’m just bored and unsatisfied. Where are the answers? Why do I never seem to get closer to them? Who knows? I sure as hell don’t.
Let’s see—what else is up other than random philosophical waxing? I definitely need to follow allivya’s lead and post up a list of holiday wishes, as well as try to grant some of the wishes that my friends have. S’all about sharing the wealth. Got some mailings to send out, books to sell—I guess the rest of this year will be pretty busy. When isn’t it busy? I’m a slave to myself, ha.
These entries work a lot better when I’m depriving myself of sleep—they’re almost like flow of consciousness writing. But with typo editing.
But yeah, I also mentioned this in my DeviantArt Journal—I need to use more of the things that are available to me in my life. Whether it’s taking more pictures with the digital camera, posting more journals/entries on the various sites that I use, or even reading the books that I have yet to read, I need to get productive. My mind and body need exercise before they destroy themselves out of madness.
That’s enough babble for now. goldenhoney, you must be rubbing off on me. I’ll chat with you all sometime soon.
Until then though, I remain,